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September 30 2011

While listening to Vertical Horizon's old song "You're A God" (which is probably the only VH song I have in my laptop) I remembered this old comic of mine. I was briefly addicted to that song because for some reason I interpreted the lyrics into sort of a situation i was in. The usual envying stuation, and no, this isn't exactly a god-complex, it was more along the lines of self-deprecating-but-still-jealous-of-someone-whom-they-think-is-god-complex. Well not literally a god, but still, someone who was famous. An icon. Or at least what is considered to be.

In here we have myself and three other characters (all whom I knew from deviantART); the first one is the one whom I was jealous of and the other two whom I was close to, and were just teasing me because I was too much of a self-deprecater, either cuz they were being friendly or they were just annoyed by me and tried making fun of my ways. Either way that seemed to happen in this storyline, and this was all in my head but in real life, or at least the existing virtual life back then, the situation is more or less like this too cuz I based this comic on what happened.

Maybe these other three don't see this as how I did; obviously, heh, I'm the one who drew this comic. As much as I think this drawing is ugly due to no pen pressure and shaking unsteady hands, I can feel the scenery. The gloomy autumn skies and medium breeze blowing to fit my current mood. Normal on the outside, shitty on the inside, like a two-week old twinkie. There were no breeze in real life but I felt the breeze. I felt myself actually walking on the road into the subway eventhough in real life, I was only sitting in front of the computer screen secluding myself in a dark room. I felt how sad the aura was.
In the beginning before I sang You're A God, I sang Fall Out Boy's song "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs" which has a more upbeat tone. It was quite a fun song, then maybe that explains why I sang it. I was covering up the actual shitty mood I was in.

And then Denorii came and told me she knew about how I actually felt (because that time I didn't know how to do subtle, I always go blatant). Hearing this I should've lightened up and accept fate, but NOOOO. For some reason I had to continue wanting to feel shitty so I gave Denorii a chocolate bar and headed for the subway. Now I never noticed this before, but the chocolate right here actually symbolizes the amount of happiness I had left and BOOSH I just HAD to give it away. And the subway is dark so it probably is suitable place to be all sad & down. Bad move, Chocoreaper, bad move. You should've just kept the chocolate or better yet, share some to her & kept some for yourself. That way both of you will be happy.

Moving on to the subway scene (which I thought was solitary and perfect for some alone time) where DarkRomanceDesigns and xxThornesxx were hiding, with mischievous smirks painted on their faces. They knew I had this self-deprecation complex so they just had to sing You're A God kinda like how I sing it to Denorii, because, well, I admit I deserved it. Dark and Thornes were laughing and back then I thought they were only enjoying this because of my reaction, but there's actually more than that. All this repelling against compliments, this so-called "modesty" that made my mindset build a wall against all the praising of my artworks, they're thinking I'm doing all this too much, and so it was quite enjoyable for those two to "torture" me like this because they knew my reaction was predictable. And it's quite annoying that it was predictable, but back then I couldn't see this fact due to being caged in my own self-deprecating mindset. I was actually only trying to be modest in the beginning but I took it too far to the point of repelling compliments. Sure my drawings were still ugly that time but hey they aren't half bad either, but whatever the reason is, I should've just accepted the compliment and not being a repellant dick about it *sigh*

I naturally think everyone is equal but for some reason in that situation I just don't seem to get that me, along with everyone else, are in the same standards. We were all artists and creative people with different amounts of talent. Our pros and cons may not be equal but at least they balance out each other, just like how people normally are. But I was blinded. I was blinded by the fact that Denorii and her buddy Kuriru seemingly had all the luck, especially when it comes to creativity, subscription and popularity that I was stuck in the deep ditch of envy. I didn't realize I am actually quite luckier than most people among my group of friends and fans, only I couldn't see it because I was dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction manifested by envy towards other artists better than me (or more popular, idk).

I was blinded by envy, by my own made-up reverse-god-complex.
I was blinded.

Speaking of blinded, I was also heavily addicted to Third Eye Blind's song of the same name, but that was another story. And as much as I wanted to redo everything, accept the compliments and only share the chocolate, it isn't possible anymore (unless you're a time lord under the code name Doctor & riding on a blue phone booth called TARDIS)
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