We only see each other at weddings and funerals

Walking outside past 10 again for no reason. The streets were lit with only a few street lamps and windows from homes far apart from each other. For no reason I felt like peeking at the bright-lit window on the furthest house on top of a steep hill, the outer walls deteriorating and badly needed mending. Most of the house, however, looked grand, if not decent. I just picked that particular wall to match my mood. To match how shitty I felt staring inside the window, peeking at peers of mine having a party. Peers that aren't really in my circle of friends. A party that was dedicated to one of them for achieving something great that I don't wanna talk about, because it hurts if I do. Because I should've done that. Because that party should've been mine, and it should've been me and my friends in that house -or rather, inside where I live- prancing like a bunch of cats high on catnip.

It pierced through my ribs just seeing how huge the cake was -no- how those layers & colors seemed to be all the different flavors I've always wanted to try. How they're conversating about things that that they knew I'd dive in & talk about. How the party music seems to be taken out of my playlist. There were no sign of my friends. I was completely alone in the dark separated by a piece of wall from them, and for no reason I was jealous FOR my friends. For myself too, mostly, but I've taken the habit of being jealous for someone else too. Like in grade school, when I saw this kid wearing a dress that would look good on my friend because it was her style. My friend was completely fine; I was the one envious. For her. Despite the fact that she never intended my jealousy to be present among us. Ah, who am I kidding, we're in the university years now, far away from the past which I'd like to forget very much. Things need to change, but for some reason, the fact that I can feel jealous for other people, can't.

The piercing cold made it seem that my thick hoodie isn't enough. I forgot to bring a scarf that time  but that doesn't matter much, because the only thing running through my head that time were assumptions of why God gave away my gift to the wrong person, why fate wasn't on my side, and why my vision went blurry, wet & warm all of a sudden. I stared down on my feet. Vision starts to clear. Rationally thinking, this jealousy isn't at all needed. It's normal, but petty. There will always be another chance next time so I didn't have to feel like this. But I did. And I was having a moment, or rather it was trying to have a moment with me. Burning shades of emerald and jade against raindrops. The raindrops almost freezing in this cold weather, but somehow the raindrops streaming down my face felt the opposite. It burnt like my insides being burnt by how I feel right now. The burning envy. It's not new to me anymore, in fact I get kind of bored that I always felt this way.

What's going on, I can't stop thinking about the success that sort-of-rival-acquaintance of mine achieved and how they're throwing a party for her. And how the party music just fuelled up the imaginary lethal radiator. Upper teeth buried in bottom lip, back palm pressed against face. Shivering violently.

404, normal breathing not found. Redirecting you to harsh sobbing.

Someone found me at the door. It was a friend of mine which I completely didn't see when peeking outside the window. I had no idea she was invited. She called me in, asked me what was wrong, sensing slight agony judging by my red nose. I said I was freezing and it's normal for a person to accidentally tear up in this cold weather, nothing was really wrong. She hugged me anyway (and told me to chin up), before letting me in and sat me in a corner, then gave me a piece of cake. Everyone else stared at me briefly, but since I know none of them, they probably didn't know me either and carried on with whatever they were doing. Hey, at least I can finally taste the cake, also hoping that its energy will stop me from being fragile.

Surprise, surprise, when I looked to the left, my closest friends were there, sitting beside me. The two girls and three guys that were always there for me (not just because they live in the same apartement) approached closer. They could tell what was going on and how I feel. I've told them the same thing as the friend who let me in, but even that bullcrap couldn't fool them. They knew eyes don't lie, especially damp ones. They knew I was longing for this party and that I was jealous of the party owner's success they're celebrating.

"How long have you been peeking from that window from that saltwater room?" one of them asked, unreasonably making an Owl CIty reference, but I can see why.

"Egh, just now. Not sure if I'm supposed to be here," I replied weakly, faced down, still eating the cake.

One of the boys suggested we hold an afterparty in my small room, with just the six of us. At first I didn't agree because then it will be somewhere at 2AM, and I really needed sleep that night. But this party was also just what I needed, and I thanked them for suggesting.

My other friend was there, talking to the girl I envied and her clique of friends. Who knows what they were talking about. Suddenly the group called me. I looked at my friends, telepathically telling them I worry they might make fun of me or something. They gazed back, telepathically telling me to just go on with it. It'll all be fine. They just wanted to talk to me. I proceded.

Turns out, the successful one and her friends were talking about doing impressions, and my friend suggested I should join their conversation for she knows my ability to do different voices. I joined the group, stuttering nervously until their 'head' a.k.a. the person I envied, told me to chill because we're all friends here. She wasn't aware of the fact that I'm practically a stranger to half of these people in this party as they are strangers to me. But -there IS a but- she had some good news too, since she's also in the theatre club, she'll recruit me in there since currently they were short on actors for their new play (the actors were graduating that year, and the play was to be executed the next year). She and her friends proceded to test me with mundane roles and I started to have fun, as if I'm slowly learning to goof off again. My friend clapped for support and my 5 closest friends watched too for the sake of lulz.

Later she tested me to act different emotions, dramatizing each one. I refused. She insisted. I gave up. She happened to ask me to act angsty first. I refused. She insisted. I gave up. I stood there at the corner with her clique's eyes watching. Where do I begin. I really did NOT want to do this, especially not in front of her face.

Suddenly one of my 5 closest idiot friends just HAD to yell what do I think of this party as an attempt to fire up my emotions. Please, I didn't wanna do this. The crowd was so demanding with all their begging and noises, expecting me to do something I really don't wanna do. The paper plate with bits of cake was still on my left palm while my mouth went muttering "I think it's great so far, I didn't know I was welcomed eventhough I came uninvited, I think it's great so far..." chanting over and over again, getting louder by the minute and slowly getting their attention pumped up. I ended the chanting with a louder "but you know what?!". Suddenly the crowds were silent. I snap-crushed the plate, with cake still inside.

SPLAT. The crunched plate ended up thrown on the floor. I was letting it all out (and out of control), ranting about how this party should be mine, and how me and my friends should've won that band audition (yes we were a band, but got too busy due to finals) and toured with the local indie band sponsoring the audition (they were quite well-known and there were numerous of their fans in our university). How I should be holding that guitar-and-drumsticks-shaped trophy on the stage, held high with my friends behind me, surrounding. How that photo should've ended up in the newspaper. How this event should've taken place at my spot and how I'll invite everyone. How I actually froze outside with no company until a friend let me in. How I-

The crowd was silent. Suddenly I realized something; the one i envied, in fact, didn't know I held a grudge against her. The fact that grudge was also held against her friends, FOR my friends. I stared at the crowd and realized they were enjoying my so-called "performance" not realizing it was actually a confession. An emotional rant I should never lash out in front of that group particularly.

Seconds later everyone clapped and cheered eventhough I didn't deserve them. One of them commented that my acting was better than they expected, that I was underselling myself when I said I can only act in small amounts. Another said it was so realistic it was as if I really was envious towards their leader, for there were even tears. There were tears. I practically broke down in front of them. Ugh. Not again.

Jokingly I took a bow and giggled, just to brainwash myself into being happy again. Eventhough my face was already dry, it still remained red from all that raging blood pumping through the veins & arteries. The anger had to be all out but I never actually realized I would be blurting it out in front of the person I envied. Thank goodness they only thought I was an act, and all that time I was worried that they might think I really felt that way -which i did - but they didn't suspect a thing, surprisingly. Long story short I got in the theatre club despite how much in truth I suck at acting. I headed back to my group (who were still eating cake). My friends got my back, and they still agreed with me with the fact that I suck at acting and covering up/faking emotions, because none of that shouldn't happen (but it did, and it ended in some sort of weird good luck). They were also worried that I'd blew away my cover with all that angry yelling and crying, and I told them I was afraid of that too. Fear was present during the near-end, somehow stopping anger and jealousy and jerking back into reality. Fear teamed up with self-consciousness. I was still confused about what the hell was going on. One of my friends commenced a group hug. The rest followed.

They decided to cancel their afterparty plans, seeing that whoop-dee-doo big show I unintentionally put on just proved even more that I needed sleep that night.

---

The next day, I get called at 7AM in the morning at my friend's place. One of the girls gave me a bucket list of stuff to buy in different supermarkets. I asked one of the boys if I can borrow his motorbike (since I left my car back at my country and during university days there's no need for an actual car much, public transport will do).

Since it was a motorbike I had to return to his house (where they were gathering) to unload the stuff I bought everytime I'm done shopping in one store. There were new curtains, balloons, a snuggie, some spray paint and some food ingredients. Apparently some of them were cooking who-knows-what. In the end, after trips to 5 department stores, 2 supermarkets and 3 cheap shops and a truckload of stuff, it was already 5.27 PM and only about half an hour before the sun started to set. I didn't mind going out to buy all those because I could sense they were planning something behind my back. Something that they think will surprise me, despite the fact that I already faintly know what they were planning. I saw it clearer when after I'm done buying those things and asked if I could help them with anything, they shooed me away and told me to go freshen up and come back in 3 hours. My idiot friends enjoy treating someone like crap before they completely throw a surprise at them. Which is one of the reasons why they're that lovable.

Sure enough, it was a congratulatory party. I thought I wasn't gonna be surprised but it was still surprising. They invited their friends over; suddenly I was a stranger among the crowd again, but less of a stranger since I've met these people once or twice. They were trying to bake a rainbow cake with white frosting by following the recipe they found on the internet. They failed, but it tasted good whatsoever. We played videos of live performances from that local indie band previously stated, and pretended we were on tour with them. The crowd played along and made the situation as if it was a reality. It was beautiful.

The party ended with me and my friends performing a finale on the couch we set up as a stage. We signed a few tissue paper, guitar picks and bare manly chests for some reason, and then everyone left. Cleaning up wasn't that big of a deal.